To find myself again
by banygirl03
Summary: The day Edward left, Bella lost Charlie. she moved to NY. Now she is the shop manager of a Levis store. what will she do when three handsome vampires from her past appear at the store? she will find a new sparkling love!
1. Chapter 1

_**To find myself again**_

_**Pairing: Bella/Jasper**_

_**Rated: M**_

_**Summary: The day Edward left; Bella lost Charlie because of a drunken driver while he searched for her. She had to sell everything, stopped going to school and moved to New York. She found a job at a Levis store and just got the job as the store manager. One day thee handsome vampires approach the store looking for new clothes. What will Bella do: letting them into her life again or shut them out?**_

_**A few questions a friend of mine had (Just to make everything clear):**_

_**Does Bella know them? **_

_**Yes. The story starts right after Edward left. So everything in Twilight happened. Charlie was searching for Bella and got hit by a car and died. The Cullen's are still vampires and Bella is still human!**_

_**Did she finish school?**_

_**No. she sold everything and moved to New York immediately. **_

_**How old is Bella now?**_

_**She's 21 now.**_

_**It will all be explained a little more after a few chapters but if you have any questions feel free to ask! Most of the time I have the whole story set in my mind and forget to tell important details that would make sense to you. Anyway. Now here is the story and I hope you like it!**_

_**And PLEASE Reviews. **_

_**Love and hugs**_

_**Banygirl03**_

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Bella POV

It was 9 pm when I finally arrived at my apartment. I've had a long day and all I wanted to do was taking a shower... I was now living in New York. Working successfully at a Levis store. Being the store manager meant having to work extra shifts. But it was good. Keeping my mind off of stupid thoughts.

I checked my mails and looked for any important looking letters. There were none. I stripped off and went under the shower. Another stupid day. Another stupid day of hurting and feeling alone.

Yesterday was my birthday. Today was the day Charlie had died. It could also be described 3 years after Edward left. Was I still in love with him? No. I missed him. That was true but I didn't love him anymore.

I had to go on with my life. And somehow losing Charlie helped.

I still remember that day very clearly. Edward and I had been in the meadow. He told me he didn't love me anymore. I was lying there. Waiting to die. Somebody found me and brought me back. When I woke up the next morning Charlie wasn't there, so I called his work. They told me somebody would be send over. Luke, a friend of Charlie was sitting in the living room 20 minutes later telling me I had lost everything. I tried to call my mom and I only got worse news. She didn't want me as well. She was pregnant. From Phil. They would be moving again. Phil had gotten another job. And I didn't fit into their new life.

The next day Jake and Billy helped me. I sold the house and packed everything. I looked for a new place to live. New York. 2 weeks later I was gone. Without a word to anyone. I went to Charlie's funeral and left right after it. I had 100.000 $ on my bank account. Everything that Charlie had left me plus the money from the house.

When I had arrived in New York I quickly found a one bedroom apartment, with a walk through closet to the bathroom, a small living room area if you could call it that and a kitchen. 45.000$ I had to pay. I loved it. The first few days were spent painting the walls and buying decorations. A bed, a couch, a table, a cupboard, a new rocking chair. Pillows, spoons, cups, plates, forks, knives, all those stuff needed for a flat. I hung up a few pictures. When I cleaned the house I found the things Edward hid from me. A few pictures of me with the Cullen's. I framed them and put the up on a shelf.

When that was done I looked for a job. I soon found one at a Levis store. The salary was good. And after 2 years of working there I now became the shop manager. The old- Jack- quit because he wanted more time with his family. And he got a better offer. So next one in row was me. I had always been right on time, took extra shifts, helped out wherever I could and my payment was that now I managed the shop.

I loved working there. The people were nice, I loved the clothes and it was an easy job. Even though I was always exhausted afterwards I still woke up being happy to go back there again.

I could buy all the clothes for 60% off and things that we still had after a big sale could be taken home for free.

So I had a lot of stuff. But it somehow matched my new style. When I first started working here Claire- a co-worker- came to me one night and cut my hair and coloured it blonde. I loved that new look.

I started wearing make up almost every day. Not too much. Just more than usual.

I started doing sports. Claire and I run every Saturday morning. The rest of the weak I did yoga in the morning or trained with my stepper. It helped being clumsy. I was now a coordinated woman. I didn't trip anymore and I had learned how to walk on high heels. I started reading fashion magazines but somehow still styled myself in jeans and shirts. But all in all I looked stylish.

I had changed. I wasn't a little girl anymore.

When I stepped out of the shower it was already 10. I quickly blew my hear dry and got to bed.

My alarm clock went off at 6. Still leaving me enough time. I got up and made myself some coffee and looked through my closet. I decided to wear dark blue skinny jeans and a yellow shirt. On top of it I wore my grey cardigan that ended just below my ass, a black scarf and black flat, low cut boots which I wore over my jeans. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail.

I took my bag and hurried to the subway.

Arriving at the store I was once again the only one. Mike had called off yesterday saying he was sick, Claire was visiting her family and Joe was learning for some test since he still went to college. That only left me. Joe would take the late shift. Maybe. If he could make it. If not that meant 12 hours of work just for me.

I organised everything. Refilled the boards, hung up shirt. Straightened the things lying around, took thing that arrived new, looked through the rest of things we had and made a list of things that I needed to order. Paid a few bills, went to the bank, changed money and was back just in order to open the shop. Normally this was a quiet time so that I could read a newspaper or something. I went into the back and wrote some bills, checked the orders from the internet and started packing up everything. After an hour I heard the door bell ring and went up front. And when I appeared there I felt like my heart was going to stop. There in front of me stood three men I would recognize even if I was blind. It was Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle.

"Hey" I whispered. I didn't really trust my voice at the moment.

"Bella!" Emmett screamed and came up to me and gave me one of his big bear hugs.

"What are you doing here? Why aren't you in Forks?"

"I…uhm…. I'm working here. I'm the store manager."

"Wow"

Jasper and Carlisle greeted me also and soon we were engaged in a deep discussion. I told them about Charlie and how ended up here and they told me about Alice leaving Jasper and Esme and Rosalie being on vacation in Italy. They told me that Edward was now dating a girl named Tanya and didn't live with them anymore. They also told me they lived near New York now. Only one and half hours with them driving. I told them I didn't have a car anymore and they were shocked.

They went to college again. And Carlisle worked at a hospital here in NY. They told me that they were often in NY and we should meet up more. When a customer came in I had to leave them for a few minutes which brought me back to why they came here.

Jasper was looking for jeans. So we searched. I helped him find a few and also gave him a few of the new collection that I didn't get to hang up already. I decide that it would be good to use my position and he got all the clothes with 60% off. They invited me over since tomorrow was Saturday ad I always kept them for myself. They said they would pick me up around 9 at my flat and we would drive together to their house. I would see Esme and Rosalie again.

The day went by without much work. Most of my time was spent preparing the new collection and at 7 I closed the shop and headed home.

I decided to shower in the morning and ordered some pizza and settled into my big armchair and watched a silly movie thinking about tomorrow. I also thought about Alice and Jasper. She had left him. Because of the accident. I thought back to my birthday and wondered if it even was his fault. Maybe he wouldn't have attacked if Edward wouldn't have pushed me into the glass.

I felt bad for him. But he didn't seem all too sad about it. We had exchanged numbers and I wondered if I should call them after a while I thought I should.

I quickly dialled Jasper number and after the third ring he picked up.

"Are you alright?" he sounded worried. I laughed.

"Yes. I just thought about you all and thought I should call. I just got home 2 hours ago and started watching this silly movie that isn't interesting at all."

"Well I'm free to talk. I was just reading a book."

"What kind of book?"

"About civil war."

"Weren't you a soldier during civil war?" Edward had once told me about it.

"Yes that's true. I love to read books about it. Seeing what people nowadays think about it."

"And is it true?"

"Well… sometimes it is and sometimes it's not."

"Did you ever read about yourself in those books?"

"Just a few times"

"Cool. I would love to read about myself."

He laughed about it.

"So how was the rest of your day Bella? Did you eat something? You looked very skinny today"

"Jasper has no one every told you to not talk about a girls weight or figure?"

"Why not? What's wrong with it?"

"Well we don't feel too comfortable about it."

"Why? I think you have an amazing body but I would love to see you eat more. You used to weight more in forks. I like women that got curves."

"Well I do have curves, dear Jasper. You should just check underneath the clothes."

"Maybe I should do that." I had to laugh at that. It was easy talking like this with jasper.

"Just so you know I just ate a pizza."

"Good."

We talked a while and laughed a lot. I never knew why I didn't spend much time back then with him.

"Bella. I need to apologize. I'm sorry for what I did to you."

"Listen to me Jasper. You don't have to be sorry. It was good for me. I had to change. I was a little girl in love. I didn't know the consequences of love Jasper. I wanted to be everything for Edward, never considering that maybe there was something else outside there. When Charlie died I had to prove I was strong and I realized I was. I went through hell and back and now I am myself. I'm not the same Bella like 3 years ago. I'm a grown up woman now. I'm learning things in my life again. I will find love again maybe. I don't know but the accident wasn't your fault. And even if it was I had to thank you. You turned me into a woman than."

"Thank you Bella. I hoped that you wouldn't be mad. You're such a kind and selfless woman. So different from what Alice used to be. She made me happy. But she didn't let me be myself. I wasn't allowed to wear clothes I liked, listen to the music I liked and somehow that pissed me of."

"Why did she leave?"

"We just fell out of love. She didn't make me happy and after your birthday she blamed me and I was getting angry. We denied ourselves any kind of intimacy and she graved more than I could give her. I always looked for a down to earth girl. Someone you could steal horses with. Alice was just into shopping and girl stuff. She hated my motorcycle and she hated getting dirty while doing something funny."

"You got a motorcycle? Really?"

"Yes. Why are you interested?"

"Hell yes. I used to have one in forks. Jake had fixed it for me but Edward wouldn't allow me to ride it."

"What would you say if I picked you up tomorrow?"

"Really? Oh that would be amazing."

"Sure thing I will be there at 9!"

When I looked at the clock in noticed it was already 11. "Well I better head to bed than. I have to welcome you in all my beauty and I need sleep for that."

"You will always be beautiful Bella."

"Thank you."

We hang up and I went to bed.

The next morning I got up at 7 again. I went to take a shower and quickly dressed into a bright coloured skinny jeans, brown boots, black top and my brown leather jacket. I left my hair open and but on a little make up.

I ate a bagel and rank my coffee and cleaned everything up again. I packed an overnight bag since Jasper had mentioned that I could there with them till Sunday evening.

I packed my boyfriend cut jeans, high-heels and a blue top and my grey cardigan. I also packed my flats.

Jasper arrived right on time. He rang and I let him in. when he stood in my apartment I somehow felt silly. He was used to big mansions.

"Welcome to my little home!" I greeted him.

"It's nice. It suites you." He walked around and stopped at my pictures. There even was one of him.

He looked at me and I saw the question in his eyes. "It made it easier. I missed you but when I looked at the pictures I remembered the great time we have and it made it easier to survive."

I smiled and held out his hand. I took it and he pulled me into a tight embrace. "You won't ever be alone again Bella. I promise you that." He whispered into my ear and kissed my head.

We stood like that for a few minutes. I left him standing there a few minutes and went to check everything so we could leave. I grabbed my jacket and saw him standing there looking at me. "What's wrong?"

"You look beautiful. The clothes suites you."

"Thank you Jasper."

He took my bag and we went downstairs. The ride to the Cullen's house was fast and I didn't even feel scared. We arrived 2 hours later and as usual it was a huge mansion. I stood in front of it and was scared to get inside. Jasper stood next to me and held out his hand.

"You don't have to be scared. They all missed you. Even Rosalie. I will protect you Bella."

I smiled and we went inside and I felt like the little 18 years old girl again.

Esme and Rosalie stood next to Emmett who smiled hugely.

Esme came up to me and opened her arms and I slipped into them. "Oh Bella. I'm so happy you're back."

Next to her was Carlisle who also hugged me. Emmett pulled me into another bear hug. The only one left was Rosalie. She looked at me and smiled. "Welcome home Bella" she said and hugged. For a second I was shocked but than I threw my arms around her and hugged her tight. "It's good to have my sister back. I'm sorry how I acted before. But that will change now."

Esme and Rosalie gave me a tour through the house and showed me room where I would stay. It was right next to jasper. We sat down on the bad and chatted around a bit. Soon it was time for me to eat something and I remember my conversation with Jasper yesterday.

When I was eating he came into the kitchen. "See I'm eating. So you will have my curves back." I smiled. He laughed: "Bella you look amazing. Don't doubt that. I just don't want you to starve yourself." He brushed the back of his fingers over my cheek and suddenly my phone started ringing. It was Joe.

"Hey Joe. What's up?"

"…"

"Well just leave it behind I will take care of it on Monday."

I hung up and looked back at Jasper. "You do a good job I guess."

"I try my best. I loved working there. I often helped out the former shop manager and took extra shifts. He mentioned that I knew the shop like no other and so the head of Levis soon allowed me to take the job. It's something I like to do. Its hard work but great. When I first moved to NY it helped me getting over the pain."

"Where did you live at first?"

"Oh I had a lot of money when I came here. Enough to buy the apartment I live in right now. I bought paint and furniture and lived there since then. I soon found the job even though I could have lived a little longer of the money from the house and a little of what Charlie left me. I didn't graduate and I didn't go to college. But I worked and it got me quit far."

"It's a great thing Bella. Just because you didn't graduate doesn't mean you're stupid. People would understand your situation. You had to work to survive. If we had been there we would have helped. But from now on you got us. We will help."

"I don't need help Jasper. I got everything covered very well." I was getting angry. Why didn't he see what I got? Just because I only had a small apartment. I could very easily afford a bigger one. But why should I? Didn't he see that being the shop manager offered me many opportunities?

"I mean to be rude Bella. You just have to understand that we all care. You did a great job but if anything should ever go wrong we are here."

"But you haven't been there 3 years ago. When my life was a living hell. Jasper… don't you see. I'm not a little girl anymore. I won't let myself be pushed around again. I won't let other people make decisions for me. I'm making my own money. I'm making sure I'm safe and healthy on my own. I don't need anyone."

"We all need someone Bella. I do too. I'm not strong. Not like you. Most people would have died going through what you went through. I just wanted to tell you that I am here. You will never have to worry about anything."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. Jasper I just had to be on my own for so long. I'm not used to people caring for me anymore. I have friends yes. But they don't know me. They don't know my story."

Jasper just looked at me and smiled. He took my hand and rubbed my hand. "I care Bella."

"That's good."

He looked at me and I somehow got a weird feeling in my stomach. I felt safe. I felt loved. I wanted to be wrapped in his arms and forget everything.

"Jasper? Can you hug me?"

He pulled me into his arms and I sighed. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. I looked up at him and noticed that he was watching me. Our lips almost touched. I whispered his name and he pressed his lips to mine. I threw my arms around his neck and he pulled me tighter. He let his tongue slip over my bottom lip and I opened my mouth. Our tongues fought and soon I went out of breath. Jasper released my lips and kissed down my jaw to my neck. He took a deep breath and smiled against my skin. I opened my eyes and gave him a quick kiss.

"I'm not Edward bell. I won't deny you what you want. I know he treaded you different and if I'm honest I didn't like it. You are a beautiful woman. A goddess if I may say. I will treat you like one. My past is not good or peaceful Bella and I don't know if you will turn away. But if you will let me I will cherish you. I will treat you good. I will take care of you. I will love you like no other man would ever be able to. Vampires are sexual creatures. I know Edward acted different but I won't. I will kiss you whenever I feel like I need to; I will hold you tight and maybe I will push you. Never to far, always just to a point that you can enjoy. But to me you aren't a porcelain doll. I will treat you like a woman with needs."

"That's all I ever wanted Jasper. I'm not that breakable. I have needs that Edward could never fulfil. He wasn't man enough for that. I want to explore and get to know love. All of it. Maybe this could work out and if it doesn't I will know I had a wonderful time."

"That's good. I want you to know what you get yourself into. I want to tell you my story."

"Tell me. I want to know."

Jasper told me about going to war, faking his age, leaving his mother heartbroken. He told me he got changed by a woman named Maria. He told be about the newborns, the fights. He showed me his scars and I was glad he trusted me. He told me how he found Alice, how they searched for the Cullen's. He told me how he missed something. He told me about his feelings when we first met. How he loved how easy I used to be. The girl he could steal horses with. We sat down on the couch and I told him more about me. My new life. He asked about my hair and told me he loved the new style. We made plans for the coming week and for the weekend. He would spend the next 7 days with me. Starting on Monday.

We talked about life with the Cullen's. The problems he had with Alice. How he fought with Edward about how he treated me.

We talked for hours and soon I found myself being tired as hell. 3 years I had been alone. And now I had someone back. Emmett and Rosalie soon joined us and they told be funny stories about them during the 60ies, 70ies, 80ies and 90ies. They boys started to play a game and Rosalie helped me in the kitchen. We talked and looked through magazines. I invited her over to the store to look for jeans. And she said we'd have to go on a shopping trip soon. I liked that idea.

Soon we were all joined in the living room again. Esme and Carlisle left us alone and went out on a date. We all laughed about it since they acted like little teenagers again. We decided to watch a movie and I snuggled up to Jasper. He ran his fingers through my hair and soon brought me up to bed.

When I woke up the next morning the first thing I saw was Jasper. He had one hand popped up holding his head and he smiled down on me. I wasn't in the room where my things were. I sat up and looked around.

"Good morning darlin'. I hope you don't mind but I wanted you to sleep in my room. To keep some images in my head for when you're not here."

"I don't mind at all." I gave him a quick kiss and went into the bathroom. It was huge and there was all kind of stuff. The shower was big enough for 10 and had one millions buttons. I looked at it but couldn't seem to figure out how it works.

"Jasper. I need help. Or I probably will set the whole house on fire or whatever happens when I push any of these buttons." I wrapped my towel around e and he came inside. He explained the buttons to me and turned the shower on. When he leaned down to me to kiss me I felt a huge wave of lust shooting right through me. Jasper stroked my arms and than rested his hands in my neck letting his thumbs wander over my jaw. He kissed me with more force and pushed me backward until I felt the sink. He wrapped his hand around my waits and sat me down and stood between my legs letting his hands wander over my legs. He broke the kiss and started kissing down my neck to the top of the towel. I moaned his name and grabbed his hair. "God Jasper doesn't stop" I whispered. No one had every made me feel this was. He opened the towel and let it fall. He took a step back and looked at me. I felt a little self conscious but he smiled at me and came back kissing me again. He let his hands play with me breast and soon I was grinding against him.

"You taste like heaven Bella." He whispered against my skin and I felt him purr. And suddenly he pulled away. "You have to shower."

"Tease" I said and laughed. I jumped off the counter and went to the shower. On my way Jasper gave me a playful smack on the ass and left the room laughing.

It felt good. I felt comfortable. I didn't need to hide. He made me feel loved. And for the first time in 3 years I had hope for true love. It seemed like we fitted perfectly. I was right. We had the same interests and we could laugh about the same things. He didn't treat me like a doll and he made me feel wanted. He made me feel good.

I dried off and went back into the bedroom without a towel and very slowly got dressed. Making sure Jasper was watching me. I wore the outfit I had packed in the bag and soon I heard Jasper say "Tease". Io just laughed, jumped on the bed and kissed him.

_**That's it!**_

_**I hope you liked the first chapter. And I hope I get a lot of lovely reviews! I know its not starting slowly with Bella and Jasper but somehow they have know each other so long I thought it wouldn't be too bad. **_

_**Love and hugs**_

_**Banygirl03**_


	2. Chapter 2

When we came downstairs Esme had already made me breakfast: pancakes and fruits and coffee. I sat down with Rosalie and Esme and ate while chatting with the two. We talked about clothes and my work and when I was done eating I cleaned up everything and we went outside and watched Emmett and Jasper play basketball. I wondered where Carlisle was and went back inside and started looking for him. I soon found him in his study going through a few files.

"Hey Bella" he greeted me not looking up before he finished his last sentence. When he looked up he smiled at me. I sat down on the couch and smiled back at him.

"Hey" I said.

"Is something wrong?"

"No. I just wanted… I… well I wanted to talk a little with you… but if your busy I'll just leave. I don't want to disturb you." I started to get up but Carlisle had already grabbed my arm.

"You could never disturb me Bella. Don't you know that I already think of you as my daughter? And I would never put work over my daughters or any other family member. What did you want to talk about?"

"How do you think about me and Jasper?"

"I don't mind at all. Bella I've lived a very long life. I lived closest to humans than any other member of this family. I know that love- at least for humans- can change easily. I know you loved Edward but when he left you, you had to find yourself. It's alright. Jasper seems to be what you need. It's not like Jasper just fell in love with you right now. He always liked you Bella. He always felt protective of you. He cared. And he wants to make you happy. Enjoy your time and stop worrying so much. I know you're scared of what could happen, of how Edward will react. But Edward has chosen another family. He isn't part of this family anymore. He lives with Tanya and her family now. "

"Good. I don't mean Edward leaving his family behind. I mean how you think of us. And maybe I love Jasper. I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just too scared to confess. But I feel good around him. He makes me feel good."

"Bella can we talk about Charlie? I know it's hard. But I want to know what happened."

"Uhm… well…. Edward took me with him. To our meadow. He told me he didn't want me. That I wasn't good for him. And than he went away. I tried to follow him but of course he fast faster. I got lost. And I didn't find the way back. I was exhausted and lay down. It was cold and I was hoping Edward would come back and save me. I fell asleep and somebody found me. They brought me back home, the next morning I was searching for Charlie. He wasn't home. I phone his work and a friend, Luke; he came over and told me Charlie was hit by a car. A drunken driver. They said Charlie was hit pretty hard and that he died right away. I was… dead inside. Billy and Jake helped sort out everything. I offered the house and soon I found an estate agent who bought the house. He sold be around 90.000 $. I sold everything else I could get rid of. Charlie also had an insurance that helped me not spending anything for the funeral. It left me 5.000 $ afterwards. And his savings. 6.000$. I took the money and after the funeral went to NY directly. I had already found an apartment a few days ago. I bought paint and furniture. I put up pictures of all of you. It is my home. Not big. But all I need."

"I'm sorry…"

"I already told Jasper that I don't need that. I don't need any of you to pity me. Ok. I had to grow up on my own. You left. And don't tell me it was Edwards fault. You're a grown up man Carlisle. You used to act like a father to him. If you didn't want to leave you could've stayed. You didn't want to stay and I had to accept that. But don't start acting like you're sorry now."

"It wasn't like that Bella. I didn't have a choice. I know it was wrong. But I had to go with Edward…"

"No you didn't. I loved you like a father. And than you disappeared without a word. I was alone, Carlisle. Not lonely. Alone. I thought you would act right. But you didn't and now it's too late to be sorry."

I turned around and left his study. I went straight into the room Esme had prepared for me. I locked the door and lay down on the bed. After several minutes I started looking around. It looked so much like a home. But it didn't feel like home. It felt weird. Like I didn't belong here.

Maybe it had been a bad idea to come here. Maybe this wasn't the right life for me. I heard a soft knock on the door.

"Bella? Darlin'? Open the door please" he was begging. Did I want him to comfort me? I had to stay strong. I had to be alone for such a long time. And I was tired. I wanted to fall. I just wanted to let go for once.

I got up and opened the door and as soon as Jasper wrapped his arms around me I let go. I cried and my legs gave out under me. We sank down onto the floor and for a long time I just cried while Jasper held me.

When I was done I looked up at him.

"Carlisle told me what happened. And you are right. We could have protested. But we didn't know how. We weren't strong enough. He made us believe it was best for you. He made up reasons and we followed. But we never forgot you Bella. We daydreamed about you. We remembered you. Carlisle had a picture of you in his study. Esme would go shopping buying all the stuff you loved to eat. Rosalie would keep feeling guilty about not getting to know you better. I would sit around and draw pictures of you. Bella we never forgot you. Even if you weren't here."

"Wow. I… I didn't know."

"Bella… I love you. I know it's too soon. But ever since I first saw you I couldn't get you out of my mind."

"I love you too."

He kissed me. Deeply. As if trying to prove his point.

Later that evening I called a cab and drove home to my apartment. Jasper insisted on driving me but I knew he wanted to hunt tonight and so I thought this was the easiest way. When I arrived and wanted to pay the driver said it was already taken care of "by that handsome, young gentleman". I smiled and quickly went inside. I checked my mails and looked for letters. I found a mail from work. Joe. He told me he had problems with the check system and had to pull it out. I had to call someone to fix that on Monday. I was excited about Monday.

Jasper would come over after work and he would spend the whole week including the weekend with me. I wondered if he would feel comfortable in my small apartment. I decided that it would be a great idea to get some book for him. Gladly I knew someone who owned a bookshop. I called him and we met 30 minutes later.

I looked through the book and soon found many about civil war. I knew he loved those the most. I bought him at least 20 books and headed home. When I arrived there I found a card being pinned to my door and a dozen of red roses. I took it and went inside.

_My beloved Bella,_

_I'm so sorry I can't spend the night with you._

_But please remember that I cherish every thought of you and can't wait until I see you again. The roses shall remind you of how beautiful you are to me._

_In everlasting Love,_

_Jasper_

I took a look at the roses and noticed that not one of them had a flaw. They all looked perfect. Like somebody had spend a great amount of time searching through them just to make sure they were right. He couldn't, could he? In the roses I found a little card.

_I picked each rose by myself. They are the most perfect thing I could every lay eyes on __except you. And just like my love they will never fade._

OMG

I sniffed the roses and noticed that they were covered in something and put them into a vase. I set them next to my bedso that the smell of them would remind me of Jasper the whole night.

I didn't sleep well that night. I was tossing and turning. And I just couldn't figure out why. After Edward left and Charlie died it was the same. It had been the first time I had to sleep all alone. But I got used to it. But it felt wonderful to be hold in Jasper arms the night before. It was probably the best rest in my time since I moved here. For once I didn't have to worry about anything. I could just let myself fall, knowing if there was any kind of danger Jasper would protect me.

It made sense to me before. But now I understood what mom used to tell me about dad. She always said she had a hard time when he had night shift. She was scared something would happen, like murders. I would always make fun of her about it but now I saw what she meant. It was the simple fact that somebody would protect you. Somebody cared enough about you to give his life. That somebody wouldn't let you be alone. Charlie always made me feel safe. We were close. Even though it didn't seem like that. I knew he was excited when I moved in with him. And I knew he would check on me every night. I knew it would break his heart knowing what I had been through.

I still remember being a little girl. Charlie, Jake, Billy and I would go down to the beach sometimes. I was just around 4 or 5. I couldn't swim. At least not that good. And Jake and I would always play in the water. And even though Charlie talked to Billy he kept a close eye on me. When I fell he would rush to me, pick me up and brush the sand away. And than he would hold me close, rub my back let me cry into his neck. He would sooth me in most lovable way. He would tell me he loved me and give me a kiss. And than he would look at me. He would make funny faces and ask where the beautiful smile was. He would tell me what lay behind the big ocean. And he would tell me he would show me the world one day.

Thinking about it brought tears to my eyes. Charlie. My father. I often had to take care of him. But silently he would do that for me too. He was different from Renee. He loved me in a different way. I knew she was mad that I didn't want to move to her again. That I rather wanted to stay with Charlie. It was true we never showed each other much love. We did but not like in other families. We wouldn't cuddle all the time and he wouldn't kiss me goodnight. But when I couldn't sleep I would go downstairs and sit with him on the couch. He would let me sleep on his lap and than he would bring me up to bed. He would than tell me he loved me thinking I was already sleeping way too deep to hear it. Sometimes he would kiss my head and leave.

I turned around and looked out of my window. I closed my eyes trying to shove the thought of Charlie out of my head. It didn't work. I saw him standing right in front of me. In his usual working clothes. He smiled at me.

I opened my eyes and got up quickly. I went to the window and opened it. I was hit with a cool wave of air. It was cold outside. I let one tear slip down my cheek. "Why daddy? Why did yo have to go?" I whispered.

The driver that hit Charlie wasn't found. Somebody saw hit get hit and saw the driver get away as fast as he could. They didn't recognise him. And never found him. Some guy out there got away with murder.

I slit down on the floor and laid my head on my knees. I was holding up good most of the days but tonight it was bad. I missed Charlie. I even missed fucking Forks. I missed Jake and Billy. I missed Angela. She had been such a good friend. Every now and than she would still call. Make sure I was alright. A few times she came over here. We had girly talk and ate ice-cream and painted our nails. I would show her were I worked. We would shop a little. And she would leave.

I wondered if my life truly was as fucked up as it seemed right now. Before the weekend my life revolved around getting up at 6 or 7, getting ready, working till 7 or 8 coming home around 9, eating, showering and going to bed.

I barely had free days. But somehow now I wanted to work less. I wanted to work only till 4 and come home earlier this week. I wanted to go out with Jasper explore NY a little. I wanted more. More of my life.

I don't know how long I sat on the floor but when I woke up the next morning I was still lying on the floor. My neck was totally sore and I could barely move. I got up and took a shower.

I got dressed into black woollen thighs, and a black dress, bearing my brown boots and the leather jacket. I let my hair open and went to work. I still could barely move and when I arrived at work I thought I would die. I had to lift heavy boxes and that just didn't work. I ordered someone to repair the check-system and soon Joe was there as well. I told him I forgot to close the window and now had a sore neck. I left the crying part out.

He did all the heavy work and soon he was fed up with me moping around and wanted to send me home. I told him I'd stay and just work in the back office. Soon it was 5 and Jasper arrived right on time. Joe greeted him and called for me.

"What's wrong?" Jasper knew immediately that I was not well.

"I'll explain when we get home."

Thank god Jasper took Carlisle's Mercedes so that we wouldn't have to take the sub.

We arrived at the apartment and Jasper looked at me. He wanted to know what happened. Should I tell him the truth?

"I…. Jasper I can't tell you."

"Yes you can. Bella we're a couple. And I want to know. Its not just your life anymore. Its ours. Tell me what happened last night."

I sighed and sat Indian style on my bed. Jasper sat across from me.

"I guess I just had a breakdown. I was thinking about Charlie and how he always made me feel safe. I thought my mom and what she used to tell me about dad. I remembered what it felt like when he was still alive. And I missed you. Jasper for the first time in the last 3 years I had felt entirely safe while sleeping in your arms, I knew you would protect me. I know I always try to separate myself from any boundaries with other people. But I've known you for so long now. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I was scared and sad and I opened the window and somehow fell asleep." I let a sob escape me.

"You ARE not alone anymore. Bella why didn't you call? I would have been here in just a second. Don't you understand that you are all that's on my mind? I want to help you Bella. You won't have to suffer anymore. I know you feel like doing everything on your own is the right way but its not. And letting the window open while its cold outside is irresponsible."

"What you think I did this on purpose?"

"No I just…"

"Thank you jasper. Really thank you. Its not like I thought about it and decided to just let me freeze on my floor. It was an accident. I don't need you to lecture me about it."

"I'm not lecturing about it. I just… I don't know. I want to know that your safe and that surely wasn't. You have to take more care of yourself. And working in this condition wasn't good either." He almost yelled at me.

"You know what? I have to go. I just can't stand being in the same room as you. I thought you were different than Edward. But you're not. I'm not a pet. I can take care of myself. I want us to be equal but you just yell at me and tell me all the things I did wrong."

"You can't always run away Bella"

"Watch me"

I turned around grabbed my jacket and left. He didn't even follow me.

I was walking around the city. Thinking. Why was it so hard for me to trust him? He was worried I understood that. But I didn't want to be taken care of. Maybe I did secretly. But I was strong now. I was on my own. I could handle thing alone. And than it dawned on me. My grandfather once said to me: Strength is not something you get while being alone. Strength means letting people into your life.

He was right. Being alone meant I didn't have to care about other people. It wasn't necessary. I wouldn't have to listen to other people's intentions and meanings. But in a relationship it was about exactly that. Working together. Listen to each other. Making compromises.

Maybe I wasn't strong. Maybe I was scared. Scared of what would happen if I let Jasper in truly. If I can't trust him enough to help me through my weakest moments, how could this relationship work?

I took a cab back home and found Jasper lying on my bed. He looked pained but he didn't look up.

"I'm sorry." He didn't say anything.

"When I was alone, I had to fight Jasper. Everybody fights his own battles. We my stand united because we're happy and having a good time but when the rough times come we stand alone. That's what I had learned. I didn't call you because I wanted to be independent. Its stupid, I know that. But I don't know any other way. My trust was shattered and now I have to learn again. It like falling from horse. You're scared and still you long for riding again. And sometimes it just needs another person to get you back into the saddle. You're that person for me."

He still didn't say anything. I tried to get closer to him but he held up his hands. "Don't" he said.

He was mad I guess. I had ruined everything. But suddenly he sat up.

"I'm not mad at you Bella. I feel broken. But I feel and understand your emotions. When I met Alice I tried so hard to be everything she wanted and when she left I was broken. I was lost. And than I thought about why she left. I wasn't right. We didn't fit. I never truly desired her. Her body nor her mind. But when I look at you I feel like a little teenage boy. I want to give you the world. I want you to be safe. You're not a pet to me. I'm scared of you getting hurt. Think about how you felt when you lost Charlie and try to imagine my pain if I would lose you. Bella this relationship is not about me being possessive about you or trying to control you. It's about us making decisions. Last night you were broken and I wish you had called me but you had your reasons not to. I respect that. But don't shut me. Don't reject me. I will do anything for you."

I came closer to him and sat right next to him. I didn't touch him.

"Maybe I'm just too fucked up. I'm yours Jasper. But I fear my life is never gonna start. I exist but I don't live. I get up and I eat but I didn't love in a long time. I see people being in love and I see people getting married and I wonder what it would feel like for me. To have a husband, a home. Somebody who would hold me at night. And than I wonder how love ever survived. I mean…. My mom left my dad even though she said she loved him. Edward left me even though he said he loved me. Alice left you even though she said she loved you. Can love last?"

"Look at Rosalie and Emmett. Many say they are not right for each other. But they are. They fight and throw things at each other but when a day ends they are a unit again. They stand up for each other and never let the other fall. Nothing could come between these two. Carlisle and Esme may not show they love openly. But they are crazy about each other. I can feel that. Carlisle gets all excited when he sees her and Esme feels loved and cherished. I want to make you feel that way. Love… love is like a thunderstorm Bella. It can be a scary thing that you can't control. But when you let it into your life it can be beautiful, powerful and make you see wonders. Sometimes it ends badly but not always. I want to marry you one day Bella. I will give you the world. You won't have to work one fucking day again. You could quit right now if you want. We will travel around the world and we can decide where we want to live. You can stay human or become a vampire. Its your decision. But let me into you life. Let me make you feel good."

I turned to face him and he held out his arms. I slipped into them and sighed. Maybe he was right. Maybe I would just have to let go.

The night was spent without any more talking. I went to bed rather early. Jasper held me the whole night making sure I was safe. Before I went to bed he had massaged my neck.

I slept very good and got up at 7. I got ready for work.

Jasper picked me up at 5 again, driving home in the Mercedes. That evening we wanted to do something funny. I had a day off work tomorrow. I lied and said I had an appointment at my doctor. Carlisle wrote me an excuse.

We decided to have a movie night. We went and got all the good movies like _Gone with the Wind, Dracula, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Funny Face_

We got my favourite Chinese food and ice-cream.

We settled down in my living room and I noticed that my old TV was gone and there was a huge flat screen. "Uhm Jasper…."

"Do you like it? I bought it today while you were at work."

"Its great. Thank you"

I kissed him and we made our self comfortable. Jasper was half-lying/half-sitting on the couch. We started with _Funny Face_ which was one of my favourites. Out of fun I challenged Jasper to eat some ice-cream. He made a face but did it anyway. He faked his expression, saying how good it tasted and pretended to get an orgasm from just eating it. We laughed and had fun. After we watched all the movies I still wasn't tired so we decided to go for a walk.

We walked to Central Park and sat down on a bench. We didn't talk much and soon we found it would be time to go home. We went straight to bed and Jasper started reading _Wuthering Heights_ to me. It was weird and somehow beautiful that someone else read it for me.

I soon fell asleep.

I woke up to the smell of burned pancakes. When I walked into the kitchen I saw Jasper standing in front of the oven. Covered in sticky pancake-dough. For a vampire it looked pretty messy. He turned around with a pan in one hand and a spatula in the other. He looked adorable. "Hey beautiful" he smiled. "I tried to make you breakfast but somehow I didn't manage that very well." I laughed. "How are you able to do this Bella? Its harder than it looks."

"Its all about the strategy Jasper. You're an army man. You have to have a plan. Draw yourself a map of your surrounding and get to know the enemy and his territory. Learn what he could do to you and make a plan. Be quicker and smarter and you will win."

"Really?" he looked suspicious and I had to laugh.

"No silly. You just have to practise more" I laughed and made myself new pancakes.

"What are we going to do today?"

"Well… we could go shopping. The isn't sun outside."

"Please don't drag me shopping at Chanel or Gucci." Jasper pleaded with me.

"No silly. I thought about a pleasant shopping trip. Buying jeans and shirt or boots and scarfs. Things we both like. I would like you to pick something out for me. Something you would like to see me in." I confessed.

"I like the things you wear. You look beautiful. You wear things that suit you. But if you wish for it I will do that. "

"Great."

I quickly took a shower and got dressed in grey skinny jeans a white long sleeve woollen shirt with a black leather jacket and black ballerinas.

I convinced Jasper to table the sub and he looked slightly uncomfortable. After 15 minutes we arrived in Soho. I loved hanging out here. We found a few shops and bought a few things. Jasper insisted on buying me a white dress and low cut boots. He said the dress made me look like an angel. Jasper found a pair of old looking jeans and old cowboy boots.

At another shop we bought funny stuff. I wound a shit that said "bite me" and Jasper found a cowboy hat. Afterwards we went to buy me something to eat and we went to a record shop. We found a few old CD's. After several hours of fun and shopping we went home.

Tomorrow was another day of work. I couldn't help but think about what Jasper said earlier. Could I quit work? Was that possible?

The next days I spend with work and Jasper and soon it was the weekend. We decided we could spend it with the rest of the family. I took a few more free days so I had 5 days off work. Almost a whole week.

I packed an overnight bag and soon we were off to the Cullen's home.

Rosalie and Esme decided it would be good if we went grocery shopping. So we took the Mercedes and went shopping.

_**That's it for now. Thanks to all those amazing people who review my story. **__**You really make my day. **_

_**The sentence "Strength is not something you get while being alone. Strength means letting people into your life" is from my grandfather. And I think he was right. Its always easier to do things on your own because you think you can do it the best but sometimes yo just need help. **_

_**Anyway… I hope to get more reviews and I'm truly sorry if updating is taking me longer but right now I'm working on 2 stories at the same time.**_

_**Love and hugs**_

_**Banygirl03**_


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